Elcomsoft Password Recovery Tambourine
Passwords in Our Lives
Passwords affect our lives. The more different passwords we have, the more we forget, and the less happy we are. Home and work computers, a bloat of mail accounts, ICQ and other instant messengers, online banking and confidential documents, let alone the numerous blogs, forums and social networks each of us can pay an occasional visit, are all protected with passwords. According to many studies, an average user has to remember 3 to 5 passwords all the time.
Life is good while you do remember those passwords. You can put yellow stickers with passwords on your computer screen at work or stick passwords on the fridge at home. You can store them in a safe deposit box, keep them on your PC in a password keeper, and take numerous other measures to safeguard these important pieces of information. The truth is, however, that we at ElcomSoft know no single customer who never forgot a password in their life.
Universal cryptanalysis methods do exist. Government agencies, intelligence services and, in some countries, even police have successfully used methods such as rubber-hose cryptanalysis for years. Rubber-hose cryptanalysis allows passwords and keys to be discovered in a surprisingly short time. The method is quite computationally inexpensive. However, commercial use of this method is limited due to legal restrictions in most countries. ElcomSoft started a quest to develop a universal cryptanalysis method that is at least as effective as rubber-hose, but comes with no penalty of being inhumane or restricted to exclusive use by government agencies.
We Can Help. Sometimes.
Yes, we do make software for helping you recover passwords you’ve lost or forgotten. Our password recovery tools are extremely effective, and literally save lives and jobs every other day. However, not all types of encryption are created equal. Some companies make an exception every once in a while, and use really secure algorithms to protect your information. If you use a really secure password with those, you are SOL. There aren’t that many cities around that have Empire State Buildings to jump from, and we knew of no other graceful way out of the deadlock you’ve put yourself in. Until very recently.
Work in Progress
Using a crystal ball seemed like a great idea at the time, but we had to reject it. You see, one may communicate with a spirit of one’s second granddad peacefully deceased 38 years ago, but teaching him basics of PGP would take longer than one might think.
Using a rabbit’s foot seemed like a better idea at the time, especially considering tremendous amount of success our system administrator has with it to fix our corporate network. However, subsequent tests demonstrated that the foot could only solve network problems, and only when used by our system administrator. Oh, well. We love rabbits anyway, so giving it up was a relief.
A voodoo doll was a nightmare. Not that it didn’t work at all, but it didn’t work for the passwords. Here’s what we got while testing a genuine African voodoo doll:
The first ray of hope shined after one of our colleagues visited Yakutia (yep, that’s that freezing province in Russia with real bears, although those aren’t the balalaika-playing type). The guy brought a shaman’s tambourine that was used regularly by the local tribe’s shaman to find missing things. (On an unrelated note, show cover in Yakutia can easily reach four meters, and alcohol is cheap and readily available. Make your own conclusion on how often these people lose things and how easy it is to find them).
A full-scale scientific study of the new tool took us almost 15 months. We had to go back to Yakutia to drive around all of its remote regions. We researched pastures with those reindeers which skin is used to produce tambourines. We spent endless hours chatting with locals and shamans who use tambourines more often than we use our toothbrushes. We learned to perform more than two hundred ritual dances. Today, we are proud to announce that we know what to do if you lost your password and cannot recover it in a traditional way.
We’re not kidding. This is not a joke. There’s no single reliable encryption algorithm left in the world, period. It’s even impossible to create one! Our new tool works miracles even if all the super-computers on the planet fail to deliver.
Elcomsoft Password Recovery Tambourine
Be warned: it’s not easy to use the tambourine. You’ll have to pass a special training program. You’ll look stupid learning and performing certain tricks and movements. You’ll find sounds it produces to be unusual and disturbing. You’ll have to learn spells in Yakutian or the tambourine won’t work. Oh, and the price is high. Is your data worth it? We can help! With our help, anyone in the world can use a tambourine.
Standard model works for most users without special needs. Simple, reliable, not too expensive.
Corporate model. Based on our standard tambourine, this corporate model can work with hundreds and thousands documents at the time. Special team training is required.
Pocket version. It’s easy to take with you on a trip. Has some restrictions (refer to the manual). Does not support a few exotic formats, but that’s about it.
A comprehensive, 200-page manual is shipped with every tambourine. You’ll have to study it carefully, or we don’t guarantee a thing. We even had to put an additional disclaimer waiving our responsibility if you misuse the tambourine. Read manual to learn what could happen to you and your family if you don’t follow the instructions. (Do you really need your passwords that bad?)
Warranty. Sure, we have a warranty. If you can’t recover your passwords in 30 days with our tambourine, we’ll send you in Yakutia for personal training at our expense. Qualified shamans will train you to work with tambourines, after which you’re guaranteed to recover those passwords in a snap.
Reaching for a credit card? Put it back for now. We can’t handle all the orders we’re getting from various intelligence and secret services in your country. Please be patient. We contacted more deer farms, and plan to get new shipments on regular basis.
Endangered species? Forget about it. We solved all export problems by making a deal with the US and European authorities. Unfortunately, we are not in a position to discuss the deal in public. Just keep in mind that they have the tambourines already, and act accordingly!